Is the world actually changing with disorienting acceleration or is my perception of break-neck speed merely a product of getting older? My knowledge of physics is rudimentary at best, yet it makes sense that life’s velocity is picking up
speed for me because I am slowing down. I did not choose change, at least not consciously. I resided in a comfort zone where so many people in their 40’s live, a zone of familiar responsibility and paychecks.
My scope of responsibility has changed dramatically since I lost my job two months ago. I am confused when asked if I am bored not working. Not working? I am working my ass off adjusting to this change and worn out at the end of every day from the learning curve. Entertaining that my exhaustion is due to my age does not help me get back on the treadmill tomorrow; it makes no difference why my mind is tired, only that I keep learning the new rules of our tech-savvy and untrustworthy world. And all of this needs to be accomplished while nurturing my wounded spirit. I am not a natural nurturer, so this is my greatest challenge. I am more of a kick-it-in-the-ass kind of woman, having always believed that my choices impact my reality more than anything else. If you do not like something, change it! The toddler inside me is stomping her feet and yelling, “I want!” and I am so frustrated with trying to convince her that my efforts will pay off eventually that I just want to tell her to shut up, be quiet. See what I mean about not being a nurturer?
I cannot deny the excitement of learning new things, both practical and existential.
From matching coupons to grocery sales in order to save money to practicing mindfulness, it is all new ground. I thought I needed to break the mold of who I was two months ago, but find myself more comfortable blending who I am with new skills, yet there is no money in it. Perhaps this is how college students feel. How do you place a value on skills and lessons learned during times of change and who determines the value? This is where my true nature kicks in. I, and only I, can assess my cost for forced change because I am the one paying.
“I looked up the road I was going and back the way I come, and since I wasn’t satisfied, I decided to step off the road and cut me a new path.” – Annie Johnson from Maya Angelou’s Wouldn’t Take Nothing for my Journey Now